Thursday, December 20, 2007

Needs overnight delivery

Gerard C. Smith
Beaufort, SC

December 20, 2007

Santa Claus
c/o the Elves @
or there about

Dear Santa:

I'm reading your letter replying to my simple Christmas request and saying that a Porsche 911 will not fit in my stocking. I simply do not understand where you're coming from with that dumb damn message. You well know that I have been writing to you for years requesting that 911. And, you also know that for years you ignored me. That is, until you thought up this recent baloney . Well, damn, poor excuse that it is, you are correct. A Porsche 911 will not fit in my stocking, that is a true fact. But the title for a nice silver Porsche 911 will fit with room left over for those stupid walnuts and oranges and yucky hard candy that you always leave. And, I can wait until December 26th to go to the dealer's showroom to pick the dang car.

As you must certainly know, I have been very good and not at all naughty (except for just a little bit of cussing here and there). I do believe that I qualify for "nice" when you're checking off twice.

Still I suppose you'll have yet another reason why my Christmas Porsche 911 wish once again will not be accommodated. And, I simply do not know why that should be? All I've ever asked for is a gratification of a simple guy fantasy.

But, be that as it may, I'm sure you are going to continue to be the same cheap bastard as always and Porsche will not be delivered, so here is my alternate list.

1. Can you send a message to some agents and publishers suggesting that accepting Gerard C. Smith's WHITE LIGHTNING would be in their best interest. Maybe a Santa Claus (sounds like one of them Italian Godfather names) threat will get the book noticed.

2. Can you see to it that there's a bit more peace on earth. And, maybe spread about some goodwill toward man.

3. Can you see to it that lots of Christmas goodies are dropped off for the solider, sailor, marine and air force men and women in Iraq and Afghanistan. They won't be home for Christmas and they will need a little cheering up.

4. Can you see to it that all of my Blog reading buddies get some cookies (biscuits for the Brits) and milk for Christmas. No, wait, hold the milk. They're mostly all writers and will want something alcoholic. How about some Bailey's Irish Creme. It's sorta milk-like and will go very well with the cookies.

5. Can you see to it that I get a good bottle of cognac. Remy Martin VSOP please. And maybe a Macanudo cigar.

6. Can you see to it that my kids and my daughter-in-law and son-in-law and all of my friends have an excellent 2008.

7. Can you make sure that my MiMi's wish list is fulfilled. She loves bling (gold, platinum, diamonds and emeralds).

Well that's it. Just a short wish list.

Merry Christmas to you.

Your Pal

Jerry (A nice, not naughty, very good boy. An excellent boy. Who didn't do bad thing (not one) in 2007, 'cept for maybe some cussin'.)

No comments: